Monday, April 14, 2014

APRIL AWESOMENESS! A REPORT OF THE CHARLOTTE WEST STAKE YOUNG WOMEN BASKETBALL TOURNY

CHARLOTTE, NC—Last weekend saw the annual April Awesomeness! Charlotte West Stake Young Women’s Basketball Tournament. “Basketball, like Girl’s Camp,” explained Stake Young Women 2nd Counselor Sarah Gustafson, “helps love and sisterhood grow among the young women.” Gustafson added that “oh, and we so admire those few, choice souls who can actually dribble the ball with only one hand—what a special gift!”

“I just love basketball,” exclaimed Melanie Hamilton, of the Charlotte 3rd ward. Hamilton said that, “I love seeing my friends and afterwards we always go to Cracker Barrel together.” When asked about the actual games, Hamilton thought for a moment and said that she “loves to be so close, you know, sitting right there on the chairs, oh, and the outfits are so cute!”

Melanie is not the only young woman who loves the yearly basketball tournament. Kelly Hayward raved about the activity, adding that “we love how it helps us spread the gospel, especially to the three girls from school who didn’t make the varsity team who help us out.” By “help out,” what sister Hayward seems to mean is that they do all of the team’s dribbling, passing, rebounding, defending, and scoring. Hayward clarified that “even though this is about the only time that those girls come to the church, I think that they can feel something special here.”

The basketball tournament, not unlike the equivalent NCAA Men’s and Women’s Tournaments, has its share of drama. Some of this year’s drama came from the new coach for the 3rd Ward. That coach, Sister Wendy Coleman, who had played some college basketball, seemed to have become slightly frustrated with her team. Melanie Hamilton, who played (editorial correction: “participated”) for the team, noted that “Sister Coleman started by saying something about a Princeton offense, and all I could think of was it doesn’t seem Christlike to be offensive.” What really seems to have confused the young sister Hamilton was when her coach told the team to “pick and roll.” Explained Hamilton, “I thought she was saying ‘pick a roll,’ and that just made me hungry for Cracker Barrel.” According to several sources, by the end Sister Coleman “refined” her coaching approach to just yelling “make the ball go through the orange circle!”

“I will say, we can play pretty tough,” concluded Hamilton.“I mean, almost everyone else has tons of scratches all over their arms from playing so hard once we get to Cracker Barrel.”

For their part, the Charlotte West Stake leadership is always pleased with the tournament. According to Stake President Marshall, “it is good, and, at least it doesn’t end in any excommunications, like what used to happen when we had the men’s tournament.”   

Monday, March 31, 2014

MORE GANG VIOLENCE ERUPTS BETWEEN PROMINENT LDS BLOGGERS

One of many slanderous cross stitches
that has recently surfaced in Salt Lake
SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Violence again has erupted between prominent LDS bloggers. The violence, which broke out over the weekend when competing bloggers were in Salt Lake City ahead of the church’s General Conference, seems to stem from several long-standing disputes. Those disputes include who actually started the bloggernacle, which blog does the most to improve Zion, and which blog worries the church’s leadership the most.

“This year it was pretty bad,” said one blogger who did not want to give her affiliation.“At one point everything was just blood, rage, and semi-coherent comments like ‘it is your Times and Seasons to die,’ ‘you are all Dove and no Serpent,’ or ‘oh, I will give you some Instruction, Juvenile!’”

Emergency room reports indicate a number of rather serious injuries. When asked about those injuries, hospital staff told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that, “apparently the Modern Mormon Men saw some bloggers from Feminist Mormon Housewives and Zelophenhad’s Daughters and said things like, ‘hey, you don’t have to cover up those shoulders for me,’ or ‘I’ll unload your dishwasher,” or, most offensive of all, ‘I find your modesty attractive,’ and apparently that is how those men ended up here.”

Stoking the violence has been some rather unusual threats. Police reports indicate that a “pastel cross stitch was left outside a conference room where bloggers where meeting. The cross stitch said, ‘Soon it will just be Wheat and Tears for all of you!’” 

“What we found,” reported Salt Lake City police officer Oliver Jensen, “was that accusations of conformity or being ‘almost correlated’ got the strongest reaction.” Jensen gave the example of a blogger, known only as “The Voice of the Uncommon Malcontent,” slanderously shouting at bloggers from Rational Faiths that their posts “sounded like they were ghost written by [Elder Boyd K] Packer.” Jensen continued that, “once we heard language like that, the Molotov cocktails, samurai swords, and jagged, broken bottles of consecrated oil would soon be all over the place!”

When asked about the violence and the Church leadership’s concerns about criticism and activism on LDS blogs, Elder Robert D. Hales, the apostle in charge of Electronic Communication Correlation, said, “wait, what’s a blog?” 

Monday, March 17, 2014

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: HOW TO STRENGTHEN YOUR FAITH AS A MISSIONARY

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare. 

Don't be fooled: This is exactly how he did it!
Spending time talking with people about the only true and living church every day is really great! But let me just say, if you do it wrong, you can end up with a lot of pesky questions and maybe even doubts. If there is one great thing about being a Mormon missionary it is knowing that you are always right, that you have all of the correct answers, and that no one is as right as you are. To keep just as strong as possible that completely unwavering faith, here are some tips.

One: You Have the Keys to the Only Right Path for Everyone
Remember that you have the keys to the only path that actually leads to God. It is a modern day heresy, like saying “sometimes prophets make mistakes” or “Joseph Smith had sex with more wives than just Emma” or “Diet Coke is not a sin” to say that someone can be a Baptist or a Buddhist or a Ute and still get to the highest level of the Celestial kingdom. When people say, “well, there are many roads to God,” tell them that there is one faith, one baptism, and only one super right path that God wants every single person to follow.

Two: Use Science very Selectively
We know that most science is controlled by the devil, and that God lets him use it to allow the weak and faithless to show their true colors. Science uses things like fossils and elaborate guesses about how old stuff is to try to make people doubt that the earth is about 6,000 years old or that Adam named all of the animals. Science usually helps sinners who want to reject God, drink wine, or be gay. But sometimes we can take the power back from Satan and use it for good. For example, when someone asks why they should not drink tea, use science to tell them that tea has tannic acid, which is a chemical so strong that it is used to tan hides. Clearly God would not want you drinking that chemical, which would at least discolor your insides.

Three: Remember that You have All of the Right Answers
Most importantly, remember that you have all of the right answers no matter what. Some missionaries get into big trouble when they are teaching. They get too close to investigators. Soon those missionaries are actually listening to some Catholic who has felt “really inspired by Pope Francis or Mary.” Missionaries might start to believe that someone could have a spiritual experience in the dark, satanic gloom of a Great and Abominable church. Nothing could be more dangerous for a missionary than to be tempted to think that spiritual experiences happen outside of the Mormon church, Scout camp, or BYU sports events. Remember that faith means never having a question or doubt, and it is certainly the opposite of taking risks! If doubts arise, your first answer should not be to pray, since God will be upset at your lack of faith. No, the proper response is to be more obedient and all of the questions will go away.

Let me reassure you that the scriptures, General Conference, the Proclamation, and what your mission president says answer all questions completely. You have the truth, and that means you have the answers for any question, whether that question is about politics, foreign policy, economics, family planning, parenting, marriage, divorce, career planning, addiction, modesty, Bible translation, archaeology, philosophy, art, or baby names. Ever since Joseph “lacked wisdom” and got his answer, the church has never had any questions, doubts, or concerns; it is only the unbaptized or faithless who still doubt.

The Best of Luck,

Elder Kory Anton

PS: This article, this article, and this article are probably from Satan--Avoid!

Monday, March 10, 2014

THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO CONTROVERSIAL ISSUES SOON TO BE ADDRESSED ON LDS.ORG

As the church has been issuing clarifications of controversial issues on LDS.org, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer gives you the exclusive scoop on upcoming clarifications.


Monday, March 3, 2014

LDS CHURCH IN TRADE TALKS TO BOLSTER CONFERENCE LINEUP

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—In a move that Church leaders hope will bolster the April General Conference lineup, reports have come out of Salt Lake about possible trades for top talent from other churches.

According to one source who could not be named, “they are looking seriously at a couple of Catholic cardinals, a charismatic Alabama Baptist preacher, and even a Lutheran and a Presbyterian.” That same source said that “the search seems to be for someone new and refreshing who might help everyone step up his game, even if he has to come off of the bench, or, in this case, off of the cushioned chair.”
   
There have been several trade issues that have come up in the process. As another informant put it, “the Anglicans want pretty large transfer fees for priests who still have time on their contracts, but they’d like to move them before the (LDS) Church gets them as a free transfer.” That has not been the only problem. According to another source, “the Seventh-Day Adventists want a couple of Third Quorum of the Seventy draft picks for one of their top ministers.”

News of these negotiations has come as quite a surprise for many members of the Mormon church. “I really didn’t know anything about this,” said David Norton, “until I got to the mission field.” Norton said that in his mission, which he could not name for church drafting security purposes, “missionaries are required to baptize at least two 4- or 5-Star recruits during their time in the field.” Norton added that “the church is always looking toward next season’s recruiting class and does not just rely on their minors leagues (comprised of BYU presidents, corporate executives, and insurance agents).”

Church insiders have noted that some of the talent may not be developed like it could. As a third source who is in charge of church recruiting and development mused, “last year around Conference time, as I was thinking about bolstering next year’s lineup, I saw a large line of people in the evening who were not allowed in, they seemed smart and passionate, and it made me wonder how they could help the team.” 

Monday, February 24, 2014

CAPTAIN MORONI’S WIFE BRENDA GIVES HIM FEEDBACK ON CLOTHING CARE, DIPLOMATIC CORRESPONDENCE

Series Note: As part of its Lost Writings of the Book of Mormon series, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is pleased to reveal to the world a previously unpublished document from the time and people described in the Book of Mormon.

Dear Monimoni*

My fervent prayers go out to the Lord for your continued safety as we are all caught up in this terrible war with the Lamanites. 

As you know, I’m very, very proud of you. You are a superb husband, father, and leader of this people. And I fully support your efforts to rally the people, but I have to say that just about the time that I get your clothes hemmed up you send me another tunic that you have again ripped up and written all over. I can understand your love of banners. Who doesn’t love a good banner?! And I was happy with those first ones, since, after all, you wrote them on some older outfits. But honey, could we dial back on that a bit? The last banner you made was on your new robe, and I’m not sure that “Amalickiah Sucks Lehi Rocks” is your best rallying cry, but maybe that is just me.

And that really brings me to my main point, honey. I got a copy of the letter you plan on sending to Ammoron, and I have a couple of editorial changes you might want to consider. Maybe you weren’t paying attention in Diplomatic Writing 101 class, but remember that the first rule is “Consider your Audience.” Of course I don’t know Ammoron and you are the leader of the armies, but maybe leading off with the justice of God is not how you want to start. Sure, I get it; the sword of the Lord’s almighty wrath does hang over his head, and, sure, he is pulling down the anger of God upon himself, but maybe we could build to that. I’m also not sure that describing your interlocutor as a child of hell is the sort of kick off to a dialogue that you want to go with. That said, there are some solid things in the middle that you should definitely keep.

With that feedback in mind, here’s a new version of the letter that you might consider: 

Behold, Ammoron, I have written unto you somewhat concerning this war. I will exchange prisoners with you under these conditions: that you deliver up a man and his wife and children for one of your men who is currently our prisoner. I am Moroni; I am a leader of the people of the Nephites.

Now, I know how you get when I give you unsolicited advice, and, knowing you, you may have already sent the letter, but I think that my revision gets right to your key points. 

Well, in any case, may the Lord continue to bless you and this people as you fight for our liberty and lives. I love and cherish you, and cannot wait for you to be back in my arms. When I miss you, I think about all of the great times we have shared. One of my favorite memories is that crazy party at Nephoran and Patty’s house and the prank we pulled, you know, the party where we felt trapped by all of those boring people, so we decided to get all of them drunk and escaped but then we thought it would be fun to came back early in the morning with weapons and threatened them unless they promised to never invite us over again. Good times.

Love,

Brenda

PS: If you ever find that you have other letters you are writing, you know, like to Shiblon, to your friend Pahoran, or to Carl, remember to not jump to hasty conclusions. If in doubt, you know, about what might being going on, send a postcard that says something like, “Dude, Wassup?”

*Monimoni is apparently Captain Moroni’s wife Brenda’s nickname for him

Monday, February 17, 2014

AS VALENTINE'S SURPRISE, OTHER APOSTLES “HEART ATTACK” ELDER NELSON

Domestic and unapostolic example
of a "heart attack"
SALT LAKE CITY, UT—In what Elder Nelson described as “totes awesome,” the other eleven apostles “heart attacked” his office door as a Valentine’s day surprise. The “heart attack” consisted of heart-shaped pieces of paper taped to the door with notes of love and encouragement.

“We really wanted to just tell Russell how much we love and appreciate all that he does,” said Elder Andersen. “He has been so great since I got here, you know, like showing me around and helping me feel like part of the group.”  Elder Andersen added, “you know it can be hard when you join a new group, you know, since they already have their friends that they do things with and some already have matching ties and stuff.”

Reports from the church office building indicate that the pink, red, and white hearts that covered Elder Nelson’s door included messages like “Awesome Conference Talks” and “Cute Hair” as well as traditional favorites like “U R Great!” 

“We had some debate about what we would do this year, you know, to really tell someone from the group how much we just love him,” said Elder Oaks. “Elder Ballard wanted to ‘teepee’ his office.”  (“Teepeeing” an office is when you fill the interior walls with notes of love and encouragement shaped like stereotypical Native American, mobile, triangular dwellings.)  Elder Oaks continued, “I told Elder Ballard that that didn’t sound like a good idea, since we did that many years ago to Elder George P. Lee’s office, and let’s just say it didn’t turn out good.”

There were other suggestions that were similarly passed on.  “Elder Packer thought it would be hilarious to try to attach actual human hearts to (the cardiologist’s) door,” reported Elder Holland.  “And he would have figured out a way to do it too,” elaborated Elder Holland, finally adding, “that Boyd is just such a kidder!”  

Monday, February 10, 2014

2014 CHURCH LEADER VALENTINES

As we have done for years, or at least "year," here are the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer's Church Leader Valentines: (oh, and these are the Valentines from last year)








Monday, February 3, 2014

HENDERSON NEVADA WARD PILOTS NEW “BODY OF THE CHURCH” SACRAMENT SEATING

Two of the original Sacrament Options
Depending upon what part of the body you were
HENDERSON, NV—The Henderson 3rd ward is piloting a new church sacrament seating program called the “Body of the Church.” This program arranges congregation members according to different categories, thus making each person’s place in the “body of the Church,” or, as Paul said, in the “body of Christ” clear.

According to the seating arrangement, the “head and eyes” are the Bishop and his counselors on the stand. The central pews are for the “heart and lungs,” consisting of families with members holding important callings and/or husbands who have “home taught at least once since 2000.” In addition to these parts, the “arms” are the deacons arranged on each side and ready to pass the sacrament, while the legs are families with infants on the sides to the back who are “ready to run out with screaming children.”

The program also reserves open seats throughout the congregation for visitors and less actives. “These seats are left open,” said Bishop Phillips, “and we call them various names like “pancreas” or “knee cap” or “hair follicles.” Phillips added that “those places are important, don’t get me wrong, it is just that we don’t know who will take them.” 

The arrangement also facilitates sacrament passing.“According to the original plan,” explained Bishop Phillips, “different ‘body parts’ would have different sacrament items, but it turned out that having trays with stale, freezer-burnt bread and trays with Cinnabon rolls was too cumbersome.” The only element retained from this part of the pilot involves gluten-free bread. “Oh, yah, we still have a special gluten-free section with, of course, separate bread—that section is out in the parking lot, since no one wants to get stuck with that dreadful stuff” said Phillips.

As a final note, Phillips said that the center back section is the “body’s less comely but still necessary excretory system,” adding that that “is perfect for readers of the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer.”