Monday, October 27, 2014

NEW DIRECTOR DECKS OUT TEMPLE SQUARE FOR HALLOWEEN

Like this but with Halloween stuff
Salt Lake City, UT—New Temple Square director Shara Mackley is trying to make her mark on the Square’s famous holiday decorations as the facility gears up for the Halloween rush. “Everyone is just so excited,” said Mackley “about transforming Temple Square into a fun, spiritual, and playfully horrifying place where visitors can see the joyously twisted side of Zion.”

The brimming-with-excitement Mackley is pulling out all of the stops this year. “Of course we’ve got the artificial cobwebs all over the Temple and other buildings,” said Mackley, “the ghostly hands emerging from an all-swamped-out reflecting pool (with spooky lights!), and the over 30,000 demonic-red miniature skull lights in all of the trees!” Mackley then elaborated that “this year were going to add some scary, slow moving mannequins all over the Square that look like zombies who will be holding temple cards and imploring visitors to do their work.” Added an almost breathless Mackley, “it will be wonderful!”

This year’s festivities don’t end with the decorations. Mackley told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, that “like we do every year, the Temple Square missionaries will be all dressed up for the entire Halloween season.” When asked about favorite costumes, Mackley said that “many sisters prefer the old standards, you know, ghost, princess, Marie Osmond, and modest Eve, but some like to dress up as Captain Moroni’s wife Pam, angry and determined Eliza R. Snow, pregnant sister missionary, and protesting ordain women marcher, you know, anything that they can think of to get a laugh out of one of the Twelve Apostles—such kidders!”  Mackley added that she overheard a very excited sister who was going to be “Hermione Granger one day, Hermione-the-Feminist-Speaking-at-the-UN the next day, and then Hermione-who-finds-the-Gospel-and-becomes-a-missionary for Halloween itself.”

Mackley said that she hopes that everyone will feel the true spirit of love and fun that this special time can bring, and she was excited about how Temple Square’s “marvelous decorations will be the perfect backdrop for the First Presidency’s annual Halloween Devotional.”

Monday, October 20, 2014

WISEST WOMEN IN RELIEF SOCIETY ON BACK ROW, SAYING NOTHING

Gresham, OR—In a repeat of what has happened for years in the Gresham ward, this week the wisest women in the Relief Society were seated on the back row. And, also like most weeks, those women said nothing.

Seated on the back row next to her longtime friends was Sister Kathy Turner. This week’s lesson dealt with “Moving Forward with Faith.” When the teacher asked how the sisters could use their faith to deal with a difficult situation, several younger sisters talked about improving Family Home Evening lessons, and the discussion turned to fun ideas that they had found on Pintrest. Sister Turner thought about explaining how her faith had helped her when, as a twenty-year-old new mother, she had to do kidney dialysis for her dying father, how later in life her faith gave her strength to become a foster mother for a very ill newborn, and how through her life her faith gave her hope and love when she compassionately helped many friends and family members pass from this life to the next. Since Sister Turner was not as conversant with Pintrest as some of the other sisters, again this week she never really found a place or way to share her experiences.

Sister Turner’s difficulty in finding a way to contribute was not uncommon. Also seated on the back row was Sister Janice Kato. During the same lesson, Sister Kato wanted to share how her faith had helped her when she was a BYU student in the 50’s and wanted to marry her Japanese boyfriend, but had to leave Utah in order to legally marry. She wanted to share how her faith had lifted her when other Mormons were unaccepting of her interracial marriage and how her faith had helped her years later as a mother of a child struggling with drug addiction. As a substantial part of the class conversation dealt with one sister’s tearful struggle to get her pre-schooler onto a private school waiting list, Sister Kato found it difficult to contribute to the class discussion.

Alongside Sisters Turner and Kato was their friend Sister Maria Del Toro. Sister Del Toro enjoyed the lesson, as she always does, but also found it difficult to add to the lesson. When she thought about how her faith had helped her move forward, she thought about her alcoholic father, her nightmarish childhood, her struggles to leave the violence of Guatemala, and the light that the Gospel of Jesus Christ brought to her life as the mother of 3 difficult boys and an abusive spouse as an illegal immigrant in Texas. She reflected on the many times her faith had given her just enough hope to go on. She would have loved to have said how her faith helped her move forward, but the conversation turned to how glad many sisters felt about posting Facebook comments about conference and Meet the Mormons, and since Sister Del Toro had somehow not gotten around to even seeing Meet the Mormons she simply said nothing.

After the meeting was over, as is their custom, Sisters Turner, Kato, and Del Toro thanked the teacher for the lesson. Sister Del Toro also tried to console the sister who was still struggling to get her child on the pre-school waiting list.

Monday, October 13, 2014

MTE INTERVIEW WITH NEYLAN MCBAINE: POKING HER WITH THE LONG POINTY STICK OF ZION’S FINEST QUESTIONS

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, Zion’s Finest News Source, is glad to give you, our dear readers, the in-depth and groundbreaking interviews that answer the real questions. We are pleased to post this interview which we recently conducted with Neyland McBaine, author of Women at Church: Magnifying LDS Women’s Local Impact. Though other, frankly lesser publications, may attempt similar interviews, only the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is willing to really poke current people with the long pointy stick of Zion’s finest questions. As with all MTE interviews, this was conducted at an undisclosed location and without the victim’s interviewee’s knowledge or consent. Cus that’s how we roll.

MTE: How many pairs of purple pants will it take to throw off Mormon male oppression?
Neyland McBaine: That really isn’t what my book is about, I mean, if you…
MTE: Okay, so if you want to be hostile, what do you say to some of the recent accusations that you didn’t actually write this book but instead it was written by Sydney Rigdon’s wife Pam?
Neyland McBaine: I’m pretty sure Sydney Rigdon’s wife’s name was not Pam. In fact…
MTE: Well then, since you brought up modesty, how disturbed were you that a certain apostle may sometimes wear very sheer dress socks that allow glimpses of his ankles?
Neyland McBaine: That doesn’t make any sense. I didn’t bring up modesty, and I have no idea about an apostle’s socks…
MTE: So does that put you in the radical feminist camp with those who say we should alternate between calling the songs “hymns” and calling them “hyrs?”
Neyland McBaine: Did you even read my book?
MTE: Given that this is such a feminist book, what do you think of the risk that you might end up on the dark side in a Jon McNaughton painting?
Neyland McBaine: At least that starts to make sense, but I think that you are missing…
MTE: As a book for women, when will portions of your book be available on Pintrest? Oh, and if I buy it for my womenfolk, is there a strap that comes with it so they can read while vacuuming?
Neyland McBaine: Um, could you please stop talking to me; maybe we could talk after sacrament meeting. 
MTE: If I pass you this tray will you tell me how your book compares with, say, the Harry Potter series?
Neyland McBaine: How did you even find me here?
MTE: One last question—this one is about gender and power: If a male BYU student started to read your book and then felt that taking the steps you suggest would make the church a better place for men and for women, do you think that girls would think he was hot?
Neyland McBaine: Wait, you’re not recording this, are you?

Monday, October 6, 2014

HEAVEN, DISTURBED BY UTAH’S CONTINUED INIQUITOUSNESS, ALLOWS GAY MARRIAGE TO BE LEGAL ONE DAY AFTER GENERAL CONFERENCE

Salt Lake City, UT—In a move obvious to everyone who has cried repentance unto the saints in Utah, Heaven has finally unleashed its wrath upon that state as clearly evidenced by the Supreme Court’s refusal to review lower court decisions and thereby legalizing same-sex marriage just one day after the Church’s General Conference.

“Well, I just think that Heaven couldn’t be clearer,” said sister Jordan Peterson of West Valley City, Utah. “Oh, that we had repented,” continued Peterson, “but, yea, as we have sown filthiness, we will now reap the whirlwind in the form of loving same-sex couples working up elaborate proposals in Home Depot and committing themselves publicly to lives of loving devotion as a punishment for all of Utah’s faithless Mormons!”

Peterson was not alone in her weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. LaVernal Smoot of Saint George noted that “we’ve been warned and forewarned, but apparently we’ve neglected to warn our neighbors and now we will drink the dregs of the cup of Heaven’s wrath with the harrowing sight of two clearly happy, joyously content people willing to make any sacrifice to make the other one the best person he or she can be.” Added Smoot, “frankly this iniquitous door was cracked open when we let single worthy women go to the temple without a husband and then when those liberals in Salt Lake legalized Starbucks, so it’s no wonder we’re gonna end up with Pottery Barn gift registries and mountain sunset weddings instead of crock pots from Walmart and cultural hall receptions like Heaven wants!”

Not everyone saw the Supreme Court’s decision as a sign of divine displeasure, and Jon McNaughton is probably right now painting those people burning in hell in the hope that Heaven will somehow forgive Utah and bring back the “the good old days” when it was always only one man and one woman forever blissfully happy with no exceptions (except, of course, for when it wasn’t).

AREA COUPLE EXHIBITS FIRST SIGN OF UNAVOIDABLE MARITAL COLLAPSE: HANGER STEALING

so much depends upon a red hanger
SCARSDALE, NY—In a move that therapists, bishops, and divorced peoples who have “been there” recognize as the first sign of unavoidable marital collapse, Brandon and Ashley Yancey have begun stealing and hording that most precious of home resources: hangers. Brandon, who seems to still be blissfully happy with his wife of only ten months, recently confided in his “buddy Troy” that “I hardly get my shirt off of the hanger and next thing I know it ends up in Ashley’s two-thirds of the closet!” Brandon elaborated that “I swear I had a red hanger that my tan pants were on, and now I think she’s using it to hang up some old EFY shirt.”

Years of research supported by the experiences of professionals and ecclesiastical leaders demonstrates irrevocably that though Brandon and Ashley may stay married for several years and even have children, the conflict over hangers is the first step in an inevitable process that starts with suspicion, silent recrimination, and disappointment and finally leads to anger, resentment, fear, and the absurd insistance that “you said when we were dating that you liked wire hangers!” As research by Delong, Esler, Geyer, and Rudd in an article in the most recent issue of the Journal of Marital Dissolution about “LDS Divorce Patterns” clarifies, “what starts as hanger hoarding and fights over whose mini temple suitcase gets the best closet location soon escalates to conflicts over wainscoting and car colors that sets the unalterable course to the final cancellation of temple blessings.”

Marriage and Family therapist Maya Sparber says that she “has tried to work with many couples like Brandon and Ashley” only to find that such work is invariably fruitless. “What I find so heartbreaking about this,” explained Sparber “is that it does not even occurred to Brandon or Ashley, since each is internally and silently convinced that the other is now clearly evil, that they actually have the time, resources, and skills to just go buy more **** hangers!” 

Monday, September 29, 2014

Monday, September 22, 2014

“SMALL PRICE TO PAY FOR EXACT OBEDIENCE” SAY BYU-I STUDENTS WHO CUT OFF FEET, BOTTOM 4-8 INCHES OF THEIR IMMODEST LEGS

This print of a Spanish auto-da-fe illustrates what happened
in Rexburg, except the Spaniards are dressed less modestly.
Rexburg, ID—Over the weekend several BYU-Idaho students, stung with divinely inspired shame conveyed by President Clark’s widely published Facebook post, responded with characteristic faith to his call for strict obedience by cutting off their feet and the bottom 4-8 inches of their immodestly displayed legs. “As a sacrifice, it was a small price to pay” said BYU-Idaho sophomore Stephanie King of Sandpoint Idaho. Said King, “I mean, if the right and the left foot offend you by your pants being too high while President Clark is looking, then I will go and do what strict obedience demands of me!”

Bloody stumps at the end of the legs of students like King were not the only clear signs of faith on the part of the devoted BYU-I students. Junior Daniel Green of Colorado Springs, Colorado had his face almost completely bandaged. When asked about the bandages, Green explained that “I’m sure it was me that President Clark saw, and the stubble that had already grown back in the hour since I had shaved is something that I now know was driving the Spirit from our entire campus!” Green elaborated that “when I felt what can only be described as the burning in the bosom of fiery, celestial guilt, I want home and shaved and shaved in the hope that I could destroy those iniquitous hair follicles for good.” Green concluded by tearfully explaining the joy and relief that washed over him “once my razor made it far enough that it nicked my jaw bone.”

The sight of the joyous auto-da-fé on the part of these students moved many other students to follow suit. Some cut off buttocks that had doubtlessly caused lustful thoughts by being in sports shorts that were not covered by sweatpants.

The only ones not enthusiastically caught up in the public celebration of exact obedience were a small group of “liberal” students and faculty. That group was seen mocking and pointing fingers at the students. They were also overheard expressing their unwavering conviction that if President Clark didn’t do what they thought he should do then he must be a power-hungry, Pharisaical misogynist who perpetuates rape culture and an empty shell of religiosity instead of the true faith Joseph tried to restore. That small group of “faithful” and “rational” people then formed a circle, patted each other on the back, and chanted in unison their four word article of faith: respect, diversity, and tolerance.

Monday, September 8, 2014

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: USING GUILT AND MANIPULATION TO BAPTIZE MORE PEOPLE

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare.

God wants you to use all means possible to get
people to enter the yoke
As a missionary, your sole purpose is to baptize. Talk all you want about getting close to God or growing spiritually or becoming a better person—those are really just things that loser missionaries say who didn’t baptize as many people as they should have. Missionaries might make up lame excuses, like “we served and loved many people” or “I hope this or that family eventually feels like baptism will bless their lives” or “I honor and respect the lives and agency of those I met,” but all of that is cover for their failure to baptize thousands like early missionaries or anyone in South America. We know that the Lord is bound when we do what He says, and what I’m about to say is bound to give you the highest number when people back in your ward ask how many you baptized.

The key to getting people baptized is using guilt and manipulation. Others may not really say it like that, but trust me, you probably have already had some youth leader (or parents!) who used plenty of both, probably to get you on a mission. Guilt and manipulation can be the very key to heaven; they are truly a bright, shining, morning star!

If you are unfamiliar with how to use guilt and manipulation to baptize more people, let me explain. The key is to use someone’s beliefs or relationships against them. Say, for example, you are working with someone who says they believe in the Bible. Your goal is to force them to see how if they believe in the Bible then they must believe everything you are teaching and get baptized. Read some scripture like Amos 3:7 about prophets, and then say that if they believe the Bible then they must believe that there are always prophets all of the time and since you have a church with a prophet, you must be right and, since they believe in the Bible, they have to get baptized. Or read the scripture in John about other sheep not of this fold and prove that that means that the Book of Mormon is true and that if they believe the Bible then they must believe in the Book of Mormon and be baptized. As you can see, your study time should be spent finding scriptures you can use to force people to see that if they believe the Bible then they must believe you and be baptized. It is as easy as that!

Some people are either not yet convinced or they don’t believe all that much in the Bible. Fair enough. Then you ask them if they love their children or parents. If they say yes, then you say that if they really love them then they will join the church that helps them be together forever and that they must get baptized. If they dodge this, then show something like “I’ll Build You a Rainbow” or something else that makes a powerful emotional appeal, and show them that if they really love those people, they will get baptized. 

Some missionaries lose sight of this. Instead of being bold, denouncing sin with the power of the sword of truth, they talk about creating a mutually respectful environment where they are as open as they would want the investigator to be. Those missionaries have lost sight of the fact that they are the only ones with the truth and that you have been commanded to baptize. Missionaries who have lost the true vision of missionary work love and weep for people who decide to no longer hear their message. True missionaries keep going back, keep using powerful emotional pressure, and keep making arguments that are tighter and tighter until every investigator enters the yoke of the Lord. It may be hard work keeping investigators anxious and feeling the heavy load of guilt and manipulation, but trust me, if you want get rid of ambiguity and doubts and if you want to tell your mission president, parents, ward members back home, and friends that you had lots and lots of baptisms, there is no other way!

The Best of Luck,

Elder Kory Anton

PS: This article is probably from Satan--Avoid!

Monday, September 1, 2014

LDS ARCHAEOLOGISTS: ANCIENT COVENANT PEOPLE PERFORMED VICARIOUS CIRCUMCISIONS

PROVO, UT—Scholars from BYU’s Department of Archeology have confirmed that ancient covenant people performed vicarious circumcisions as part of their temple worship. Dr. Albert Fenn recently provided compelling evidence that “images and fragments of text reveal that ancient peoples in the Americas and Middle East circumcised adolescent priesthood holders on behalf of dead ancestors who had not had that essential ritual performed themselves.” Though Fenn spoke at length about the ancient Abrahamic foundation for such a practice, a undergraduate assistant who asked to not be named commented that “where today doing baptism for the dead can be sort of ‘mixer’ for young women and men, let’s just say that none of the ancient young men were swinging by Wendy’s or Café Rio for some socializing after getting whatever foreskin they had left snipped off for their ancestors!” The same unnamed student concluded, “you think betting baptized 15 times is a pain…”

Monday, August 18, 2014

SURE, AN AFFAIR WOULD DAMN ME AND DEVESTATE EVERYONE AROUND ME, BUT I STILL THINK IT’S A GOOD IDEA

COMMENTARY

By Jordan Howie

Yep, That's What the Affair Will Do,
but it's Probably Worth it
I’ve been married to Jennifer for 26 years now, and we are the parents of 5 lovely children. They are a great family, don’t get me wrong, and it will change their lives like a nuclear accident, but I still think that having an affair with a young woman from work is a good idea.

I will say from the outset that my betrayal of my promises and everything I have claimed to stand for will not be their fault. I mean, let’s be honest, Jennifer still does her best as a wife and mother and so forth, but the chance to have my ego (and other things!) generously massaged by someone who was only 3 years old when I got married is just too good to pass up.

Her name is Lauren, she’s 29, and she is just like those popular and promiscuous girls that I avoided in high school. Well, now I’m older, she’s wise and worldly, and for some reason she wants to hop in the sack with me. What could be better than throwing away years of self-discipline, devotion, and hard-work as well as the love and respect of those close to me for tawdry and disconnected sex interrupted only by moments of superficial conversation and lousy scrambled eggs? 
   
Sure, this will damn me, and not just in the eternal sense. This affair will rob me of any sense of integrity or self-confidence. I will learn that something so empty and meaningless can lead me to abandon everything I value, but Lauren’s Facebook pictures of her in her bikini are so hot that I do not want to miss out on some of that.

And, okay, I can see how this will impact my 19 year-old daughter who is just about to leave on her mission, my married son struggling through college with a wife and young children, and my other three children at home. When they find out they probably won’t be able to hear the noise of their own crying over the devastated wails of my unsuspecting wife. Every Family Home Evening lesson about families being forever and temple covenants and the beauty of sexual expression kept within marriage will transform the locks that used to bind us together into rusted, corroded, and useless scrap metal. But Kelly does this really cute thing when she bites her lip and pulls down the top of her shirt, I’m mean, it is just so hot that I’m sure it will be worth it.

Frankly, cheating on Jennifer and betraying the Lord and my children will be like napalm, that fiery chemical used to destroy every living thing in Vietnam. Yep, this will pretty much emotionally scorch every square foot of earth that is anywhere near me, permanently changing my life and everyone’s life for the worse, including the people I have worked with inside and outside of the church for years and years, but I think I’m going to go for it.