LDS CHURCH HAS NO COMMENT ON REPORTED PORNOGRAPHY ERASING SPYWARE

TYLER, TX—Edward (name changed) had mixed feelings after he started his computer late Tuesday evening.  The college junior, at home for the summer from Texas A&M University, found himself again bored and lonely, but when he looked for soothing in his sinful habit, he found that his files of pornography had been erased.

“I was upset at first, and then worried,” said Edward. He continued, “I was worried that my mom had found them and erased them, but then I realized that she doesn’t have the password and that the computer had not been turned on.” What had actually happened was some spyware Edward had inadvertently loaded had erased his files.

Mark Summers from McAfee, a prominent spyware detection and removal company, said that “we started to get reports (like Edward’s) in April. It was mostly men and they were all Mormon saying that their porn was gone. Some were panicked, while others seemed mystified and even relieved.”

McAfee has pinpointed the pornography erasing software as a spyware program called Nrop.  “Frankly,” said Summers, “it is just the sort of sophisticated, clever, and virtuous programs that we would expect, the source seems to be Orem, Utah, and the rather corny name refers to how it reverses porn.”  Added Summers, “Mormon programers tend to be bright but goofy in their program naming practices.”

The program was apparently covertly bundled with any downloaded files from the General Conference Priesthood session and with downloads of For the Strength of Youth and Preach my Gospel. The program not only blocks incoming pornographic images or texts, but it targets existing computer files. What happened to Edward seems to be typical. Edward explained that “the program found my folders like the one labeled 'Hot Eskimo Sorority Girls' and erased it completely.  I was pretty upset initially, but then I was glad that it had all been erased. Sort of.”

No one from Church headquarters would comment on the Nrop spyware, though an official who could not be named said that “the Lord and BYU’s Computer Science Department work in mysterious ways.”

HEALTH INSPECTOR CLOSES SACRAMENT PREPARATION ROOM

VALDOSTA, GA—Lowndes County health inspectors, doing a routine check of an LDS church, closed the building’s small sacrament preparation room because of a number of health code violations.  Said county inspect David Harris, “it was really pretty filthy in there.  I mean, I’m sure that the members of that congregation have faith and everything, but you would need a lot of God power to not get sick from anything that came out of that place.”

Health inspectors found moldy bread as well as small plastic cups with traces of mildew.  “What also stood out,” remarked Harris, “were the metal trays. Let me just say; I served two tours in Iraq, and what I saw in those trays will haunt my nightmares forever.” 

When asked to comment on the situation as a whole, Harris noted that “unsupervised fourteen year-old boys in charge of food storage, preparation, and clean up could be a policy that the Mormons might want to revisit.”  

ARCHEOLOGY GRAD STUDENT RECONSTRUCTS 20 YEARS OF SACRAMENT MEETINGS BASED ON EVIDENCE GATHERED WHILE CLEANING ONE PEW

PROVIDENCE, RI—Graduate student Helen Moore recently reconstructed 20 years of sacrament meetings from the evidence she collected while cleaning one pew in a local chapel.  Moore, a student at Brown University’s Joukowsky Institute for Archaeology & the Ancient World, said that “once you see what is really going on with the pew, the micro particles in the fabric cushions, debris caught between cushions and seatbacks, and artifacts near the base, cleaning the chapel becomes an act of historical and cultural discovery.”

Moore did not anticipate such an archaeological trove when she showed up with her Ipod on Saturday morning. She did not want to mop the bathrooms again, and washing the windows with four primary children running around “seemed like a hopelessly Sisyphean endeavor,” reported Moore.  When Moore began cleaning the 3^rd pew from the front “just as something new to do,” she was shocked at what she found. 

“I knew that there would be food particles,” explained Moore, “but the variety of midden was truly amazing.” Moore reported that “to the untrained eye the stratigraphic layers of archaeological material can be hard to distinguish, but (in and around this pew) they were remarkably clear and consistent.”  Moore further elaborated on how “beyond the ground up Cheerios found at all layers of my investigation, it was at lower ones that I found cereals that have long since become extinct, including Cap'n Crunch’s Choco Crunch, Smurf Berry Crunch, and even Dino Pebbles.”  It was the discovery of Berry Berry Kix, a discontinued cereal introduced in CE1992 that pushed Moore to dig deeper. “At first I had no idea what I was looking at,” stated Moore.  Moore continued, “among the goldfish cracker fragments I saw colorful nutritive particles that I could not identify, but once I got them back to the lab and ran a phytolithic analysis, sure enough, it was the rare General Mills cereal at exactly the level one would expect.”

Moore made several other key discoveries that helped her recreate nearly two decades of religious and cultural rituals at the site. “Some key artifacts really made it easier to fit all of the pieces together,” said Moore. When asked about those artifacts, Moore mentioned a piece of a sacrament program outlining the now discontinued practice of a “Missionary Farewell,” a stylus trapped in a pew cushion from an old PDA (Personal Digital Assistant) circa CE2003, and a scrap of paper from the “Daily Tasks” portion of a Franklin planner page. Said Moore, “like so many other archaeological sites, this one was a rich source of primary evidence resulting from both historical accidents and lapses in ancient and contemporary cleaning protocols.”

LONDON TEMPLE CELESTIAL ROOM COUCH FACES POSSIBLE RELEGATION TO LOCAL WARD FOYER

Guess Which London Celestial Room Couch 
Will Miss the Big Couch Tournament Again 

LONDON--A white couch, currently a fixture in the celestial room in the London temple, seems to be at risk of relegation to a lower level church foyer. After many years at what all furniture considers the highest league, so to speak, the sofa finds itself struggling to keep its place. Given the very real relegation possibilities, perhaps to ward buildings in Reading, Wigan, and near Queen's Park, some of the couch’s cushions are hoping to get picked up as loans to couches that do not face relegation.

COPY OF “PREACH MY GOSPEL” CAN’T BELIEVE HOW LITTLE SISTER MISSIONARY KNOWS

Copy of Preach My Gospel 

PROVO, UT—Okay, so I know that missionaries are young and may not have been paying attention in seminary or church, but, as a copy of Preach My Gospel, I cannot believe how little Sister Katherine Lawrence knows about missionary work and the church in general.

Sister Lawrence got me when she first day she came to the MTC, but right off I could see that she didn’t know very much. Page vii is my introduction. The first note she wrote was “where can I get a copy of Preach My Gospel?” She crossed that out once her companion explained that the picture on the page was the cover of the book she was reading.

It didn’t get any better on the next page. This page features a diagram with a family at the center. On a page that explains the role of personal study and learning, Sister Lawrence’s only study note is “that boy is kinda cute.” Page 2 features an artist’s rendition of Lehi’s dream with a brilliant depiction of the Tree of Life. Sister Lawrence makes this note about it: “I bet this is where Christmas trees come from.” On page 6 she wrote, “ask companion what Restoration means,” and on page 12 she wrote, “ask her who all of these presidents are.”

I have a great section explaining studying and preparing to teach lessons that goes from pages 19 to 21, and Sister Lawrence’s only comment is: “I’m sure my companion will know how to do all this and when the time is right I will just give my heartfelt testimony!” In fact, in several places her only comment is “or just give a heartfelt testimony.” She seems to think that a heartfelt testimony is a magic wand that she can just wave over any situation and whatever she wants to happen will happen.

In other sections, well, it is pretty appalling. On page 46, which gives a list of other key religious figures who were inspired by God, next to Mohammed Sister Lawrence wrote: “caused 9/11,” next to Confucius she wrote: “name says it all,” and next to Buddha she wrote: “Fat.” The entire section on Finding People has only two study notes. One says, “the pure in heart will find me,” and the second says “most wards have some wierdos who give the missionaries people to teach.”

Heaven help both of us.

Note: This report is an homage to an article published in The Onion dealing with: “Copy Of “The Scarlet Letter” Can't Believe The Notes High Schooler Writing In Margins”

DESERET LEGAL ANNOUNCES NEW TEMPLE MARRIAGE PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT OPTIONS

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Deseret Legal recently announced new options for those seeking the increasingly popular pre-nuptial agreements for their temple marriage.  “With temple marriages almost as vulnerable as any marriage,” said Deseret Legal spokesperson Denise Hughes, “saints want to protect themselves just in case their eternal marriage isn’t quite as eternal as they had hoped.”

“Many individuals worry about child custody,” said Hughes, “so we offer options, including a pre-marriage agreement that will guarantee full primary custody of all children with the exception of crying babies, surly teenagers, or any offspring with the propensity to projectile vomit on the carpet.” Deseret Legal calls this option PCGO, or “Primary Custody of the Good Ones.” Hughes went on to explain that this even requires that the other spouse “take any children resulting from the ill-fated union to Bishops, Branch Presidents, Stake Presidents, Area Authorities, pastors, rabbis, therapists, law enforcement officials, parole officers, rehab counselors, or dentists when the need presents itself.”

It is not just custody issues that Deseret Legal has in its new pre-nup options. “Many young people, women especially,” expounded Hughes, “worry about the possibility of ever getting married again if the marriage they are currently planning fails.”  It is for these people that Deseret Legal has developed the Guaranteed Post-matrimonial Sexual Status clause or GPSS.  According to Hughes, “the GPSS means that a young woman can know that her official post-matrimonial sexual status will be the legally binding and universally recognized status as ‘Unlicked Cupcake, Unchewed Gum, and Still Fresh-as-Spring Flower’ no matter what.”  Hughes added that “this puts so many young female minds and hearts at ease.”  When asked about male options, Hughes said that the GPSS offered in male pre-nuptial agreements is ‘May Now Have Somewhat of a Clue As to What He’s Doing’.”

Updates have also been made in the fault areas of these agreements.  Fault areas include parts of the contract that give one spouse greater property or financial compensation if the other spouse is found to be at fault.  Spouses can now get a much larger share of the marital assets if the other spouse “becomes involved in Essential Oils, supplement companies, colonic treatments, and any multi-level marketing businesses or general snake oil crap.”

Some of the fault clauses are gender-specific.  Contracts can stipulate the husbands are entitled to more if the wife “hung around church on Sundays talking to the most annoying people after the contractually agreed upon 45 minutes” or if she “failed to complete/nag until completion any Eagle Scout projects.”  Women can get a larger settlement if it can be proved that the husband “consistently wore colored shirts to church,” “just had the kids watch videos on his phone instead of really working with them,” or “allowed his eyes to linger too long on the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover.”  Said one engaged woman, “just knowing that if he so much as notices some half-naked actress on the cover of GQ means that I can have the house, the boat, and two thirds of his retirement reassures me that I can make this marriage work. Or not.”

LONG LIST OF OFFENSES PROMPTS AREA MAN TO CUT OFF RIGHT HAND

ROMULUS, MI—Producing a long list of offenses, Brother David Roberts met with reporters to explain why he recently cut off his right hand. “Well, let me just go through the offenses that my right hand has done to me,” explained Roberts, “and it should be clear that every one of you would have cut it off and cast it out.”

Roberts’ list of offenses began way back in elementary school.  Roberts noted how his hand had, against his will, “waved at Cindy Warner even though my best friend Greg, who liked Cindy all during third grade, was standing right there.” Roberts indicated that “it was then, back in fourth grade, that I knew that that right hand was going to be trouble.”

According to Roberts, the conflicts continued as the years passed. Listed along with the “Waving at Warner” affair were instances of inadvertent nose picking in highly public places, going up in the air with Roberts being unable to answer the question, and slipping too low while slow dancing.  “These acts of treachery might not seem like a big deal, but let me tell you, they caused me and the entire body lots and lots of problems,” stated Roberts.

“After a while, well, the betrayal had to stop,” said Roberts categorically. “How long can you let it pick up the wrong groceries, click the wrong links on the internet, and push buttons on the tv remote control when you really want to sleep before doing something about it!”

Roberts went on to show how his scripture reading had helped him deal with the terrible impact of his RRHS (Rebellious Right Hand Syndrome). “Once I saw it was RRHS, it became clear to me what was really holding me back spiritually,” expounded  Roberts. “I mean, I could be Bishop by now if my right hand would have been as obedient as my left.”

To demonstrate what finally helped Roberts apply the scriptural injunction, he produced a rather blurry photograph of himself dressed almost completely in blue and yellow. “As you can see here,” stated Roberts, “I’m about the world’s biggest Michigan fan. See, I’m all maize and blue.” Roberts then pointed, with his left hand, to his right hand in the picture, which was clearly green, saying, “and there you see it—the right hand had painted itself as green as Michigan State’s Sparty himself.  I had caught it red handed, so to speak, and I knew then and there that I had to eliminate the little Judas,” Roberts concluded emphatically, pounding his remaining hand on the table. 

As the news conference ended, Roberts made one more threat: “Oh, and right eye--don't think we haven't been noticing you! You saw what happened to the hand on your side, you know, with stumpy, so let that be a warning.”

RELIEF SOCIETY SISTERS LEARNING MORE ABOUT TEACHER THAN SCRIPTURES FROM HER THIRD LESSON ON SONG OF SOLOMON

Image of Love that Might Not Be Allegorical

MODESTO, CA—The sisters in the Modesto West ward seem to be learning more about Sister Wallace than the scriptures from her third lesson on the Old Testament book Song of Solomon. “After the first lesson,” reported Allison Lewis, “I thought that it was nice to hear about a book that we never talk about in Church.” Sister Lewis continued that “the second lesson, about allegories of love to illustrate God’s love for His children, was also informative, but when we showed up last Sunday for the third lesson I started to wonder if something else wasn’t up.”

Sister Lewis wasn’t alone in her curiosity about three lessons on a book that some do not take as scripture. Kaitlyn Millsap expressed similar surprise. Said Millsap, “[Sister Wallace] had some nice medieval prints for the second lesson, but some of those prints gave me the impression that this wasn’t just a spiritual allegory.” Millsap continued that, “by the third lesson, when she brought in all of those quotes from that book And They Were Not Ashamed, it was pretty clear that…well…more than just the spirit was involved.”

“Yah, by the third lesson it seemed like we were learning a bit more about Sister Wallace then we might have wanted,” concluded Maggie Baker, Relief Society Second Counselor. “We spent a lot of time talking about chapter 5 where the man is supposed to have abs like ‘bright ivory overlaid with sapphires’ and legs like ‘pillars of marble,’ but it was pretty clear that that doesn’t describe brother Wallace anymore.”

Alicia King also remarked that “it didn’t take much to see that, um, well, Brother Wallace is not as interested in going to the ‘mountain of myrrh’ or the ‘hill of frankincense’ as he apparently should be.” Sister King also added, “oh, and I will never look at two young roes or clusters of grapes or spikenard, whatever that is, the same way again.”  

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: 3 REASONS WHY DATING LAURELS USUALLY DOESN’T WORK

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work.  As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others to prepare. 

You Don't Want to See This!

Getting out in the mission field is a thrilling experience. It is great to see how the members respond to the spirit that you have with you, and let me tell you, it isn’t just the old fogies.  No matter where you serve, all of those young women who would barely even talk to you before your mission will be happy to see you now.  But before you start texting those Laurels, let me give you three good reasons to look before you leap.

One: Laurels can be bad at keeping secrets. This may surprise you, since girls can seem pretty quiet around boys. It is hard to know even what they are thinking.  But take if from some people I know: as soon as you meet one for a midnight movie while your companion is sleeping, she will probably blab all about it to her friends.  And when that happens, others will probably find out. It will be really bad if it gets around, so the easiest thing to do is to tell her in a really spiritual way to only use a code name for you when talking to her friends.  

Two: She may not be as cute as you think. This is a mistake lots of missionaries make. You are in South Africa or Guatemala or the Dakotas and you find a really hot seventeen year-old sitting across from you at dinner. She laughs at all your jokes, she shakes your hand vigorously, and her eyes just light up when you talk about serving the Lord. But keep in mind that the sparkly feelings you get when you are around her could just be because you haven’t been around girls for a while. Try to remember the hot girls who never would have talked to you before: is this one really one of those? After being a missionary for a while, even the light poles have hips, so make sure she really is cute.

Three: She might just be into you for the tag. While you are being a missionary, you don’t want to get burned. And the most common way that missionaries who date Laurels get burned is when they realize that she is only into you because of the tag. As we know from hundreds of years of stories and even scientific experiments, girls love men in uniform. Your suit and your tag are your uniform, and too many girls with stars in their eyes only see that. You should respect yourself and find a girl who wants to date you for you, not just because you have dedicated two years to serving God.

I don’t want to be extreme here, soon-to-be missionary, but when you are considering a deep, loving, and profound relationship (or even something not quite that deep or profound) with a seventeen or eighteen year-old girl in the ward where you are serving, keep these three reasons as a word to the wise.   

The Best of Luck,

Elder Kory Anton

POINT: DON’T TELL MY PARENTS, BUT I’M NOT ALL THAT GLAD TO BE HOME FROM MY MISSION / COUNTERPOINT: DON’T TELL OUR SON, BUT WE’RE NOT ALL THAT GLAD HE’S HOME FROM HIS MISSION.

POINT: DON’T TELL MY PARENTS, BUT I’M NOT ALL THAT GLAD TO BE HOME FROM MY MISSION

David Turner, Meriden, CT

I got home from my mission to Thailand about a two weeks ago, and please don’t tell my parents but I’m not that glad to be home. I cannot believe how excited I was those last few weeks of my mission and when I landed, but let me just say that after about two hours, I feel incredibly let down. For one thing, the music that my siblings listen to—if I hear that “Gangnam Style” song one more time, I’m going to Korea myself to punch that guy in the throat. Oh, and look what else the devil made while I was gone—Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, and something called a Ke$ha. 

Mom and Dad are great, and I love being back with them, but even they are starting to get on my nerves. I’m grateful that they have such strong testimonies, but it is funny that we don’t have family home evening but they do DVR The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars like it is General Conference. And don’t get me started about the dishonesty, pride, and sin in that Downton Abbey show—I think that that one guy died as a punishment from God! It is nice to get home to mom’s spaghetti and lasagna, but I had forgotten about her famous Tuna Casserole Delight. Choking that down with some repulsive Bruno Mars song playing in the background is worse than ten hours in an MTC classroom with nine other gassy missionaries. 

Now I am home, I’m bilingual, and I have international travel experience, so guess what?—I have my pre-mission job back at Coldstone. Three weeks ago I was bringing the eternal blessings of the gospel to God’s children, and now I’m bringing a three-scoop-cake-batter-ice cream-brownie-with-extra-cookie-dough-triple-fudge-and-extra-nuts-Gotta-Have-It catastrophe to glassy eyed gluttons who could not care less about “that Jesus stuff.” And I get to sing for them. So I think we are safe in saying that I’m not glad about what I’m “Called to Serve” now. 

At least I’m going off to school in a few weeks. In all honesty, I hope I can find a good wife, and after getting along with so many missionaries that I didn’t get to pick, marriage will be a piece of cake. Can’t wait for that!

COUNTERPOINT: DON’T TELL OUR SON, BUT WE’RE NOT ALL THAT GLAD HE’S HOME FROM HIS MISSION

Mike and Lisa Turner, Meriden, CT

Father with Prodigal Clownfish

David got home from his mission ten days ago, and please don’t tell him, but we’re not all that glad that he’s home. We felt such a loss when he left, and of course we were worried about him, but now…well let’s just say that since he found the International Market, our house smells like a Southeast Asian street market. I just want to tell him, “we eat Rice-a-Roni because we like Rice-a-Roni!” And we are glad that he speaks Thai, but really, he can’t just say “The Book of Mormon” anymore? Personally I don’t think that prayer is any less sincere if you say it so that everyone understands. And if we have to hear about that “amazing family in my second area” again, I might just take a baseball bat to him in his sleep.

We are glad that he’s trying to reconnect with his 13-year old brother, Ryan. But let’s just say that that has had a rocky start. The movie they tried to watch didn’t go so well once David tried to explain how God the Father, like the Father in the story of the Prodigal Son, is searching for our lost souls, “still colorful with the stripes of false, worldly pride” as fervently as Nemo’s father was searching for him. Ryan wanted to watch Avengers, but he said that his “brother would just say that the whole thing is about lust, greed, anger, and iniquity. Oh, and don’t even think about Skyfall!”

He is off for school pretty soon, and hopefully that will go well.  Still, we hope he isn’t so full of hope and faith that he thinks that “following the Lord’s will” and getting married will solve all his problems—he does seem to have some unrealistic ideas.  

10 HEADLINES FROM THE APRIL 2013 GENERAL CONFERENCE

10 THINGS YOU LIKELY WILL NOT HEAR AT GENERAL CONFERENCE