Monday, January 16, 2017

FACEBOOK COMMENTS SPUR MASSIVE CHANGES IN LDS CHURCH

After this is sold, it will be 
the Central Building in New Disney DC Theme Park
Salt Lake City, UT—Recent Facebook comments about stipends paid to church leaders have led to massive structural changes in the Mormon church.

“The Church is happy to announce,” said spokesperson Andrew Kanell, “that in response to comments on social media highlighting how the current church differs from the one in the Book of Mormon or the Jesus movement in the New Testament, the church is making massive changes to make it fit those distant cultural contexts.”

The most damning social media comments highlight how Jesus’ original disciples traveled and taught “without purse or scrip.” Even though those teachers worked in a culture that placed a very high priority on hospitality norms and the proper treatment of strangers, norms that are non-existent if not nonsensical now, the church has decided that every member must travel and teach without purse or script.

“The scriptures say it, and we know that God doesn’t change or add or modify His commands ever, ever, ever, so we are getting rid of the entire missionary program as it stands,” explained Kanell. “From now on, if a young person wishes to go on a mission, that person should find a wise patriarch, ask for a blessing and anointing, and then go wherever the Spirit leads.”

Kanell followed up with, “you know, how could that go wrong?”

Church leaders who were previously getting stipends to cover living expenses and travel will no longer receive them. Most will now travel by foot, when and where they can, preaching spontaneously and, one would expect, in a rather limited geographical range.

“The church is also divesting itself of all resources and infrastructure, all of which will be sold and the proceeds given to the poor,” continued Kanell. “As the church will dismantle its humanitarian program, there is no plan for how to give it to the poor, so we’ll just pass the money around to whatever poor people we happen to come across instead of the large-scale and systematic program we used previously.”

Kanell announced that with the selling of churches, bishop storehouses, temples, schools, universities, and all other “infrastructure that does not match what a traveling preacher encountered two thousand years ago,” the church will shift from a world-wide organization with manuals, meetings, books, translations, choirs, and congregations “to an individual-, home-, family-, or tribe-based, lose organization of believers who will quickly develop widely divergent practices, norms, standards, and eventually beliefs.”

“We thank the many Facebook commenters,” concluded Kanell, “for showing us the error of having a twentieth or twenty-first-century organization to meet modern needs and demands. God bless you for shaming us into the truth of our wicked ways and God bless us as we become a pre-industrial belief group!”

With those words, Kanell lost his job and asked reporters from Zion’s finest news source if he could eat with them tonight. 

Monday, January 9, 2017

ORIGINAL IDEA ACCIDENTLY INTRODUCED DURING SUNDAY SCHOOL LESSON

Picture vaguely related to article found on interwebs
and inserted to make blogpost more interesting.
Mapleton, UT—The Mapleton North 32nd Ward’s Gospel Doctrine class experienced the tremendous shock of the accidental introduction of an original idea.

“So class was just going on, you know, regular, where the instructor asks a question we have heard a million times,” said class participant David Banks, “when all of the sudden, you know, right where we all expected that same answer, BAM!, suddenly there was a completely new thought.”

Banks was not alone in registering the trauma of a different perspective or concept in the place of tired, clichéd discussion commonplaces. Said Kaitlin Collins, “well, I just could not believe it…still can’t! It was just…so new!”

It was not just those in attendance who were completely thrown off guard by a new line of thinking. The instructor, Peter Erikson, said that “I tell you it just came out of nowhere…and honestly I had no idea how to respond to it!”

While the astonishment caused by the accident of an original idea has not worn off, the jolt was apparently so strong and disconcerting that no one can recall what the new idea was.

Monday, January 2, 2017

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: IS THE CHURCH RACIST?

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare.

Believe it or not, sometimes people ask missionaries questions that just seem so obvious that you might not know what to say. Never fear. Here are some tips for dealing with what some missionaries erroneously call “tough questions.” These are all pretty easy when you think about it. Today’s question is:
Pure and Delightsome against Dark and Loathsome,
and clearly not racist!

Is the Church Racist?

First, “racist” is a very ugly term, and if people think that the church is racist then they might not join. That means it is very important to help them see that the fact that God loves His children enough to only give certain opportunities to some people and not to others based on the color of their skin (or their gender, or their marital status, or their sexual orientation) is God’s infinite wisdom knowing how to wisely discern (not “discriminate”) how to bless people. God’s ways are truly grand, majestic, eternal, and beyond anyone’s understanding!

Second, the Book of Mormon is not ever at all racist either—that is just the simple, pure, plain truth. At times in that sacred history God punished people with darker skin as a curse and to make sure that there would be not mixing between the pure people with the white skin and the sinful people with the dark skin. That marking is actually more spiritual than it is physical. In those verses, God simply used the physical to reveal the spiritual, that way what you see on the outside allows you to understand and judge quickly. To put it another way, you don’t have to spend a lot of time talking or finding out; you can pretty much make a pre-judgment right off the bat. In that way skin color is like a lighthouse, warning you from far about different people. That is divine efficiency!

Third, missionaries should defend every church policy, leader, and member as part of one large, unified Kingdom of God. As the only true church, everything about it is true. So when a popular BYU professor explains the past, God is using him and his round-about and spiritually-understood views to fulfill God’s purposes, and clearly that is not racist at all. At all.  

Finally, let us never forget the October, 2013 General Conference, when Elder Soares talked about an African saint named Brother Moses Mahlangu. That should be a lesson to all of us. Brother Mahlangu learned patience and meekness by not being allowed to be in church because of the color of his skin, just one more example of a perfect organization doing God’s perfect work!

Some missionaries might be tempted by Satan to not accept the truths presented above. Such missionaries might allow themselves to think that some people and even some policies have been influenced by culture or even by personal bias backed up by inaccurate ideas about God and by privilege. Oh the wickedness of such failing servants of the Lord! These faithless, weak missionaries, when asked about racism in the church or Book of Mormon, may say things like “I don’t know” or “God’s church and people have agency and make mistakes” or “just come and see for yourself, and then, with eyes wide open, ask God if this church is where He wants you.” Instead of being Korihor-like cowards, missionaries who are true, valiant, stripling warrior missionaries, who are delightsome before God, will bear down in pure testimony that everyone has always been perfectly equal before God and in God’s church always and forever!

A pure, perfect, child-like faith knows the difference between what is pure, celestial, and temple-white and what is dark, loathsome, filthy, and would blacken the soul. Most missionaries can trace their ancestory back to those who landed on Plymouth Rock. Those missionaries know the Lord brought about the birth of this nation, that freedom has its roots in this land. Valiant missionaries have a dream that one day all will sit at God’s celestial table, clothed in the pure, white robes of divine holiness, well, except for those who are serving the food or maybe cooking in the back. Whatever you do, hold on to that dream, Elder!

All the best,

Elder Kory Anton

Monday, December 26, 2016

AFTER RECEIVING INVITATION, MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR HELPS BUILD TRUMP WALL

Mormon Tabernacle Choir Singing in Iran
or Guatemala or Chile
Near Laredo, TX—After receiving a very cordial invitation, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir has joined the likes of Aaron Carter and Kanye West in building a “YUGE” border wall between the US and Mexico.

The president of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Doug Morgan, explained to the media that “the Mormon Tabernacle Choir has a great tradition of performing at important events like inaugurals, Utah stadium fireworks shows, and dam dedications.” Morgan continued that “singing while we work, including mixing mortar to the tune of ‘Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel’ or singing ‘Carry On!’ while moving cinder blocks are some of the things we do best.”

Added one member of the choir, “we are honored to be able to serve our country by providing manual labor and music for projects that will make America great again.

Some choir members expressed concerns about accepting the invitation. “Yah, I had my reservations at first,” said Bernice McConkie. McConkie continued that “I thought that maybe the choir should not show support for a project that might not do enough to keep illegals from sneaking in and taking our jobs, since, you know, so many are rapists and murderers, but some are nice people.” What set Bernice’s mind at ease was, as she tells it, “I got such a nice call from one of my social and musical idols, and when you get such a lovely call from the legendary Ted Nugent, well, you just can’t say no!”

Other choir members had similar concerns, but all doubts were first successfully doubted and then erased by calls from such towering Trump supporters as Gary Busey, Charlie Sheen, Mike Tyson, Hulk Hogen, and, naturally enough, Kid Rock. “When Scott Baio called me,” exclaimed another choir member, “well, I could not wait to go to southern Texas and build that wall!”

The choir has previously sung at key political events of other officials, including the swearing in of such “noble and great” world leaders as Mohammad-Rezā Shāh Pahlavi (Iran), Elfegio Monzón (Guatemala), and Augusto Pinochet (Chile). The choir is slated to sing “Hail to the Profit” at a celebration of American and Russian economic greatness at this spring’s Rosneft-Exxon merger meetings.

When asked about favorite songs to sing while working on the Trump-inspired public works project, the overwhelming favorite of the choir is the famous Primary song, “I have Two Little Hands.”*

*Item from this completely true news article have been stolen from social media without any attempts to give credit to those who invented all of these truths. 

Monday, December 19, 2016

NEARLY LETHAL CARBON MONOXIDE LEAK UNDETECTED IN HIGH PRIEST GROUP MEETING

Alpine, UT—A nearly lethal carbon monoxide leak at a church in Alpine Utah went completely undetected by the high priest’s group meeting in the room. The leak, resulting from a malfunctioning heating system, caused many of the older priesthood holders to cough excessively while rendering other attendees completely unresponsive. 

Emergency crews were late arriving at the scene because people looking through the classroom window did not detect anything out-of-the-ordinary when they say the breathless, wheezing, or passed-out high priests. EMTs commented that there would have been many fatalities had the class not been interrupted by an older woman who entered the room because she had reportedly left her gum in her husband’s suit pocket. 

While precautions will be taken to prevent future incidents, the ward’s high priest group leadership will not repeat that day’s lessons, because, in their words, “I’d say we still got out of it what we normally do.” 

Monday, December 12, 2016

YOUTH VOICES: I CAN’T DECIDE IF I WANT TO BE PART OF A ROYAL GENERATION OR HAVE SEX

Yep, that’s one option...
Commentary by Kaitlyn Gledhill

Well, so, I really like church and all, and my Young Women’s leaders are super cool, but I’m still not sure if I want to be, you know, a valiant, virtuous woman of God or if I want to have sex. I mean it sounds really cool to be part of a Royal Generation and to save myself for after my temple sealing, but sometimes I just wanna hold hands and kiss and then rub and then let him rub and then…well, you know.

A few weeks ago we had a Stake Standards night, and they talked about wolves eating you if you get off the path and cliffs and falling into dirty water or something and then something about staying in some boat I think or lighthouses…I’m not sure. Honestly, I really didn’t get all of it, I mean Chad texted me like halfway through and stuff, but yah it was really interesting stuff. What I got was that it would be a really, really terrible thing to do, I mean really terrible, like, scary bad. I just can’t imagine…well, until, you know, I kinda start to imagine…

So anyways that’s where I’m at, you know, trying to decide between the whole righteous and worthy Daughter of God thing and...well...sometimes, I have, like this just craving, like some itch that you really, really, really want to scratch…and...you know…stuff... 

Monday, December 5, 2016

HEAVEN HOPES SELF-RIGHTEOUS COUPLE WILL PULL AWAY FROM CHURCH

Nurturing Hands, not Frighten Protecting Hands
Celestial Kingdom—Heavenly sources indicated this week that there is widespread celestial hope that the seemingly well-meaning but inadvertently damage-inflicting couple who tried to explain how to not pull away from the church might themselves soon pull away from the church.

“Yes, we get it,” said one angelic source, “the couple is convinced that some people just get lazy or casual or whatnot.” The celestial source then went on that, “what they don’t see is that wonderful, loving, grateful, hard-working, and courageously devoted people don’t always follow their path to God.”

Another heavenly source confirmed that besides self-righteousness, the couple reinforced an “us-versus-them” and even a “siege” mentality, a sense that the “faithful” need to protect themselves for “the wicked,” from “the deceivers,” and from “the philosophies of men.” The source explained that this means seeing other ideas and other people as the enemy, and seeing others as the enemy is the very enmity that is the core of Satanic pride. “It is rather frightening,” added that source, “how easily the Devil’s most powerful tool, enmity (pride), can be used to do what some people see as God’s work.” 

“Of course the whole ‘pulling away from the church’ thing is a problem,” continued a third source. The source explained that “we hope all feel free to contribute to building a place on earth where all of God’s children can be inspired and grow in the ways God wants.” The seraphic source concluded that “the eternal reality is that pulling away can be part of God’s path for some of God’s children, and while we don’t actually want the self-righteous couple to pull away, we do want them to say and act in a completely opposite spirit from that of their short-sighted, misguided ‘advice.’”

Sunday, November 6, 2016

CHURCH ENCOURAGES FAKE NEWS WHISTLEBLOWERS BY OFFERING REDUCED TITHING RATE

Salt Lake City, UT—After many years and countless meetings about how to handle the problem of fake news about the church, leaders in Salt Lake have announced that they will encourage members to warn church leadership and others about fake news by offering such whistleblowers a 1.5% reduction in their annual tithing rate.

“For too long now,” said Neal Albert Widtsoe McConkie, head of the Church’s Department of Fake News Prevention and Faith Fomentation, “members have been duped, they have been deceived by the great deceiver and his clever, clever wiles, for he is a wily one, and he is not above cheap, low, and very unfunny attempts to deceive the innocent, the pure, and those who faithfully believe everything that says ‘Mormon’ on the world wide interwebs.”

The new program, dubbed “Faithful Finders of the False and Unfunny,” rewards the vigilant with what Widtsoe McConkie calls, “God’s way of giving back and sign of appreciation” in the form of a tithing rate at 8.5% instead of the normal 10%. In addition, the head of the Department of Fake News Prevention and Faith Fomentation also promised that valiant whistleblowers “should feel completely free to faithfully pay on their net instead of their gross.”

Fake news, especially with the proliferation of information via social media, has been a very, very, very serious concern for the Brethren “for a very, very, very long time” explained DOFNPFF head Widtsoe McConkie. He elaborated that such leaders “have heard the cries of your innocent siblings and ward members, the broken hearts of people who believed that the church had banned baptisms of children of Republicans or who had believed that Temple Square was decorated for Halloween or that Captain Moroni had a wife named Brenda.” 

Widstoe McConkie concluded, “remain faithful, little flock, for truth shall overcome!”

Monday, October 17, 2016

UPON QUESTIONING CELESTIAL POLYGAMY, DISAPPOINTED AREA MAN FACES GRIM POSSIBILITY OF MAKING CURRENT MARRIAGE WORK

Something Carlstroms Pondering
Provo, UT—Area man Clint Carlstrom has admitted that he is facing “some pretty grim realities” now that he has started to question his long-cherished belief in celestial polygamy.

“Sure, we don’t talk about it much at church,” explained brother Carlstrom, “but in the back of my mind (and sometimes not all that far back!) I have always pictured, you know, a nice variety of celestial wives I would spend the eternities with.” This long-held belief has been a comfort to Carlstrom through his 17 years of marriage, especially when his wife Jordan “hasn’t quite been, you know, enough.”

This all started to unravel for Carlstrom when he heard some people talking about how “celestial polygamy” might not actually be a valid, core Mormon belief. “Once I started to consider this,” said Carlstrom, “you know, that maybe this isn’t really a thing, then all of the sudden I had to deal with some pretty difficult realities.”

Among those “difficult realities” was the idea that, again in Carlstrom’s words, “I’d just have to actually make my current marriage work.” At first this thought seemed terrible, especially in light of all of the things he had let slide, trusting that other wives would eventually “fill in any remaining gaps in my marriage or life.”

But over time Carlstrom has found many, as he calls them, “silver linings” to the otherwise dark cloud of doubt about celestial polygamy. “You know,” he elaborated, “once I came to grips with the idea that this is it, then I got more serious about making a great friendship and partnership with Jordan.” Carlstrom stated that, “I started to ask serious questions about how realistic my expectations were for marriage and about how I could make this marriage complete and celestial for both of us.”

The most powerful part of the whole process for Carlstrom was considering “how I might have always been keeping part of myself back from Jordan, you know, with the idea that I could save some parts of me for those I would be married to later.” About these thoughts brother Carlstrom said, “that has really caused some profound soul-searching, to be honest.”

For her part, Jordan Carlstrom had never considered that her husband may have been holding back when it came to their marriage because of common Mormon notions of celestial polygamy. When asked to respond, she replied, “well, that certainly explains the withdrawal, the holding back, and the sense that our marriage was somehow haunted by things I could not see—it has been haunted by his imaginary future wives!” 

When asked about her thoughts on celestial polygamy, Sister Carlstrom said, “well, if you think about the impact that a specific belief has, well then it’s pretty clear to me how messed up that crap is!”

Monday, September 19, 2016

HEAVENLY MOTHER STILL GOING BACK AND FORTH ABOUT WHAT TO WEAR FOR NEXT VISION

Winning Pantone Color-of-the-Year Colors
Inspired by Heavenly Mother
HEAVEN—In anticipation of an upcoming appearance that Heavenly Mother and Heavenly Father have planned to some yet-to-be-named mortals, Heavenly Mother is still having trouble pinning down exactly what She’d like to wear.

“I always love to wear blue, and it seems really celestial,” She reported, “but anything deep bronze matches my complexion so well!” She also spoke about Her affinity for cream, aquamarine, emerald, garnet, and fuchsia. “I would love to go classic black,” She said, “but I’m not sure humans are really ready for that.”

In her efforts to find just the right thing to wear, Heavenly Mother reported that Her Husband had “not really been all that helpful with this.” In response, Heavenly Father commented that “well, being from eternity to eternity has its advantages, but it also gives you lots of time to look at different outfit combinations.” He added that “even being omniscient, I have to say that they all end up kind of blurring together after a few millennia.”

For her part Heavenly Mother noted that it has always been a lot easier for the Men when They have appeared to humans in the past. She explained that, “yah, well They just show up in white, with robes, bare feet and beards, you know, like the ways that the Greeks always pictured Us, and I guess that is fine, but I think it is time for humanity to have a clearer sense of their Heavenly Parents.”

Though the exact timing of the planned vision was unclear, it does seem that Heavenly Mother has some time to make a final decision. She concluded that, “I’m getting closer, I think, on the outfit, but I’m nowhere near a decision on what shoes I’m going to wear!”