Monday, December 5, 2016


Nurturing Hands, not Frighten Protecting Hands
Celestial Kingdom—Heavenly sources indicated this week that there is widespread celestial hope that the seemingly well-meaning but inadvertently damage-inflicting couple who tried to explain how to not pull away from the church might themselves soon pull away from the church.

“Yes, we get it,” said one angelic source, “the couple is convinced that some people just get lazy or casual or whatnot.” The celestial source then went on that, “what they don’t see is that wonderful, loving, grateful, hard-working, and courageously devoted people don’t always follow their path to God.”

Another heavenly source confirmed that besides self-righteousness, the couple reinforced an “us-versus-them” and even a “siege” mentality, a sense that the “faithful” need to protect themselves for “the wicked,” from “the deceivers,” and from “the philosophies of men.” The source explained that this means seeing other ideas and other people as the enemy, and seeing others as the enemy is the very enmity that is the core of Satanic pride. “It is rather frightening,” added that source, “how easily the Devil’s most powerful tool, enmity (pride), can be used to do what some people see as God’s work.” 

“Of course the whole ‘pulling away from the church’ thing is a problem,” continued a third source. The source explained that “we hope all feel free to contribute to building a place on earth where all of God’s children can be inspired and grow in the ways God wants.” The seraphic source concluded that “the eternal reality is that pulling away can be part of God’s path for some of God’s children, and while we don’t actually want the self-righteous couple to pull away, we do want them to say and act in a completely opposite spirit from that of their short-sighted, misguided ‘advice.’”

Sunday, November 6, 2016


Salt Lake City, UT—After many years and countless meetings about how to handle the problem of fake news about the church, leaders in Salt Lake have announced that they will encourage members to warn church leadership and others about fake news by offering such whistleblowers a 1.5% reduction in their annual tithing rate.

“For too long now,” said Neal Albert Widtsoe McConkie, head of the Church’s Department of Fake News Prevention and Faith Fomentation, “members have been duped, they have been deceived by the great deceiver and his clever, clever wiles, for he is a wily one, and he is not above cheap, low, and very unfunny attempts to deceive the innocent, the pure, and those who faithfully believe everything that says ‘Mormon’ on the world wide interwebs.”

The new program, dubbed “Faithful Finders of the False and Unfunny,” rewards the vigilant with what Widtsoe McConkie calls, “God’s way of giving back and sign of appreciation” in the form of a tithing rate at 8.5% instead of the normal 10%. In addition, the head of the Department of Fake News Prevention and Faith Fomentation also promised that valiant whistleblowers “should feel completely free to faithfully pay on their net instead of their gross.”

Fake news, especially with the proliferation of information via social media, has been a very, very, very serious concern for the Brethren “for a very, very, very long time” explained DOFNPFF head Widtsoe McConkie. He elaborated that such leaders “have heard the cries of your innocent siblings and ward members, the broken hearts of people who believed that the church had banned baptisms of children of Republicans or who had believed that Temple Square was decorated for Halloween or that Captain Moroni had a wife named Brenda.” 

Widstoe McConkie concluded, “remain faithful, little flock, for truth shall overcome!”

Monday, October 17, 2016


Something Carlstroms Pondering
Provo, UT—Area man Clint Carlstrom has admitted that he is facing “some pretty grim realities” now that he has started to question his long-cherished belief in celestial polygamy.

“Sure, we don’t talk about it much at church,” explained brother Carlstrom, “but in the back of my mind (and sometimes not all that far back!) I have always pictured, you know, a nice variety of celestial wives I would spend the eternities with.” This long-held belief has been a comfort to Carlstrom through his 17 years of marriage, especially when his wife Jordan “hasn’t quite been, you know, enough.”

This all started to unravel for Carlstrom when he heard some people talking about how “celestial polygamy” might not actually be a valid, core Mormon belief. “Once I started to consider this,” said Carlstrom, “you know, that maybe this isn’t really a thing, then all of the sudden I had to deal with some pretty difficult realities.”

Among those “difficult realities” was the idea that, again in Carlstrom’s words, “I’d just have to actually make my current marriage work.” At first this thought seemed terrible, especially in light of all of the things he had let slide, trusting that other wives would eventually “fill in any remaining gaps in my marriage or life.”

But over time Carlstrom has found many, as he calls them, “silver linings” to the otherwise dark cloud of doubt about celestial polygamy. “You know,” he elaborated, “once I came to grips with the idea that this is it, then I got more serious about making a great friendship and partnership with Jordan.” Carlstrom stated that, “I started to ask serious questions about how realistic my expectations were for marriage and about how I could make this marriage complete and celestial for both of us.”

The most powerful part of the whole process for Carlstrom was considering “how I might have always been keeping part of myself back from Jordan, you know, with the idea that I could save some parts of me for those I would be married to later.” About these thoughts brother Carlstrom said, “that has really caused some profound soul-searching, to be honest.”

For her part, Jordan Carlstrom had never considered that her husband may have been holding back when it came to their marriage because of common Mormon notions of celestial polygamy. When asked to respond, she replied, “well, that certainly explains the withdrawal, the holding back, and the sense that our marriage was somehow haunted by things I could not see—it has been haunted by his imaginary future wives!” 

When asked about her thoughts on celestial polygamy, Sister Carlstrom said, “well, if you think about the impact that a specific belief has, well then it’s pretty clear to me how messed up that crap is!”

Monday, September 19, 2016


Winning Pantone Color-of-the-Year Colors
Inspired by Heavenly Mother
HEAVEN—In anticipation of an upcoming appearance that Heavenly Mother and Heavenly Father have planned to some yet-to-be-named mortals, Heavenly Mother is still having trouble pinning down exactly what She’d like to wear.

“I always love to wear blue, and it seems really celestial,” She reported, “but anything deep bronze matches my complexion so well!” She also spoke about Her affinity for cream, aquamarine, emerald, garnet, and fuchsia. “I would love to go classic black,” She said, “but I’m not sure humans are really ready for that.”

In her efforts to find just the right thing to wear, Heavenly Mother reported that Her Husband had “not really been all that helpful with this.” In response, Heavenly Father commented that “well, being from eternity to eternity has its advantages, but it also gives you lots of time to look at different outfit combinations.” He added that “even being omniscient, I have to say that they all end up kind of blurring together after a few millennia.”

For her part Heavenly Mother noted that it has always been a lot easier for the Men when They have appeared to humans in the past. She explained that, “yah, well They just show up in white, with robes, bare feet and beards, you know, like the ways that the Greeks always pictured Us, and I guess that is fine, but I think it is time for humanity to have a clearer sense of their Heavenly Parents.”

Though the exact timing of the planned vision was unclear, it does seem that Heavenly Mother has some time to make a final decision. She concluded that, “I’m getting closer, I think, on the outfit, but I’m nowhere near a decision on what shoes I’m going to wear!” 

Wednesday, September 14, 2016


Commentary by Blaine Reid
You can almost feel the evil hidden behind that smile!

Let’s face it, we Mormons have gotten lazy! What happened to the good-old days when we vehemently spoke out against the evils of tattoos, men with beards and no socks, and how communism was poised to drag us all to hell? If we are truly to be God’s light upon a hill, we must more actively point the spotlight on the chests of those who would distract us from the Truth. And that light should burn a holy letter of scarlet upon the iniquitous!

In the face of our complacency, God has given a sort of new, prophet-like voice: Scott D. Pierce. Mr. Pierce (who we only hope is also Brother Pierce!) has shown us again how to really shame those who might pervert God’s true path. Sure, Mr. Pierce does it about a Mormon author, but that Mormon guy doesn’t even live in Utah, so how “Mormon” could he really be? 

And Mr. Pierce knows that putting the shameful elements right at the front will set the fires of rage and shame going, reminding us of the holy anger we should feel. Mr. Pierce wisely uses a quote to prove that the subject of our public shaming is worthy of our ridicule. Of course the quote is from eight years ago, but we all know that those ideas must be eternal and unchanging for one speaking such evil! Of course our views would never change over such a key issue, even in eight years. We all always choose the right ideas!

Mr. Pierce reminds us Mormons to get back to our roots—our powerful desire to shame those who see things in an evil, perverted way. He uses wonderful quotes from others to show how all good and wise people will shun such an evil influence. Mr. Pierce wakes us from our sleep of complacency to remind us that if you don’t believe the right ways, then everything you do or would do is inevitably tainted, perverted, and twisted, if not downright evil. 

We stand all amazed, Mr. Pierce, at your sterling example of how we can use shaming to make Mormonism great again!

Thursday, August 11, 2016


PROVO, UT—BYU’S Vetting Services office has announced revised potential boyfriend and girlfriend vetting check sheets.  The check sheets, to be filled out by roommates, examine the most important categories and attributes one would want in a long term partner.  Both new check sheets are provided below.

Monday, July 25, 2016


Artist's Rendition of the Proposed Stake Boundaries
Salt Lake City, UT—Mormon Church leadership has rejected proposed ward boundaries in the new South Essex Stake in Essex Massachusetts. The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has learned that the boundaries have been rejected because of what one source calls “obvious, blatant gerrymandering.”

Among the many irregularities discovered were ward boundaries that actually cut through several homes. When asked to explain why some ward boundaries cut through individual residences, Church leaders were told that “well, sometimes one ward needs the Priesthood holder because he is the center for the ward’s basketball team but the other ward needs the kids for the youth program.”

Even more unusual was the discovery of a ward boundary that cuts right through the bedroom of an apartment. Local leaders explained that “yah, a lovely retired couple lives there, so one ward got the sister because she makes homemade sacrament bread and the other ward got the husband because he’s been in the scouting program for 47 years.” While denying the accusation of “horse-trading” among ward leaders, one source who wants to remain anonymous admitted that “warm, fresh sacrament bread is a fair swap for a descent scout master.”

Church leaders found that another ward had several pockets of ward members inside other wards. When asked to explain that situation, local leaders clarified that “the former stake president has kids throughout the stake, you know, they are a large, established LDS family here in Massachusetts.” They added that the former leader is “afraid either his wife or his children will stop going to church if the whole family can’t go together.” The former stake president’s wife, in a note attached to the boundary documentation, commented that “it is just easier for everyone to come over every Sunday for dinner if we all have church together.”

This is not the first time ward boundaries have been rejected amid allegations of gerrymandering. One source told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer of a stake that tried to make a ward that packed together “all of the most out-of-control Primary children” with leadership taken from the stake’s various psychological and criminology experts. Salt Lake explained that “the Lord wants those little bundles-of-energy and opportunities-for-adults-to-learn-patience spread more or less evenly throughout Zion.”

Monday, July 18, 2016


Scientific conclusions made with math like this
but with skinny and fat missionaries
Provo, UT—Scientists at BYU’s Center for Physics, Heath, and Tracting announced this week the discovery of a law governing the total mass of all currently serving missionaries. C-PHaT scientists have proven that, although the mass of some missionaries in places like Brazil might go down, that decrease is balanced by mass gain for missionaries serving in places like the US Mountain West.

“We have proven that the total mass of all combined missionaries is a constant, even though individual missionaries may fluctuate, proving an absolute conservation of missionary mass,” stated Dr. Joyce Floyd, a fellow at C-PHaT. Dr. Floyd added that, “what this proves is that the total mass of missionaries is an eternal constant that can never be created nor destroyed.”

The discoveries Dr. Floyd and her colleagues have made were inspired by observations made in some wards in the eastern United States. In one ward, a sister missionary in Brazil had lost 40 pounds in her first six months. This was of course of interest to C-PHaT scientists, but they also found that, in the same ward, two other missionaries serving in the Mountain West had gained 20 pounds each. Said Dr. Floyd’s colleague, Dr. Drew Brunick, “when we saw this conservation of missionary mass, we had to see if this was an isolated incident or part of God’s unchanging laws of proselyting physics.”

With data from the church via monthly missionary reports, C-PHaT discovered the eternal principle of missionary mass conservation. Dr. Floyd noted that even when some missionaries “finally shed a few pounds at the end, just before they go home,” this loss of mass was countered by the gains in “missionaries who finally got used to all that weird, foreign food, and who even planned on bringing some home.” 

Monday, June 6, 2016


No Need to Fear; We have got you Covered!
Need a church talk in a pinch? Did a speaker not show up? Did you forget you were supposed to speak? Are you just too plain hungover to write one? The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is here for you. Below is the All-Purpose Church Talk. We provide the talk; you fill in the blank what whatever you were supposed to talk about.

Dear Brothers and Sisters. I am grateful to speak with you today about ______.  I must admit that I had mixed feelings in getting this assignment and in the preparation of my remarks for you today. I have felt excited, apprehensive, one could even say there have been moments blighted by the infamous “stupor of thought.” Still, in spite of struggles both spiritual and intellectual, I think I can express all of the thoughts that have come to me on this vital and central church doctrine.

I don’t want to fall into the old cliché of the dictionary definition of ______. I think that we all know what it means. And I don’t want to go through an entire list of scriptures, passages that may only relate at best tangentially to this crucial doctrine. In fact, I think it is perhaps best to say that ______ is closely link, even inseparably linked, with other essential gospel elements and principles. Those inextricably bound correlatives include [insert some topics which you have recently spoken on, heard about, thought about, or just use “sacrifice” and “family prayer”].  When we link [what you just said] and ______, we notice how these principles are interwoven in a vast tapestry of truth and light.

As mentioned previously, prophets from the Old Testament knew about ______, and some of their writings, even if they are now lost elements of their oral history, attest to its importance. New Testament prophets, coming as they did in the meridian of time, naturally embraced this central concept. This concept was not unknown to those in Book of Mormon lands as current scriptures or future records demonstrate. Our modern day prophets have not only embraced it, but they have offered their own insights and perspectives, something that meets the needs of saints living now in the latter days. ______ is so important, so vital for our spiritual growth that I challenge each one of you to go back though the most recent General Conference, paying careful attention to what the speakers and the Spirit tell you about _______. Clearly ______ is important to the Lord, as prophetic writings demonstrate. If the Lord has placed so much emphasis on it, how can we not search into it, ponder its implications for our lives, and see it bless our lives and the lives of those we love.

I think we not only all understand ______ better and have a stronger grasp of its importance to God, but I hope you feel invited to conduct your own study of it. My ideas cannot be a substitute for what you will get, and what I have said will be unclear to you if you don’t do the work yourself of studying it out, pondering it, and applying it in your life. I would add that talks like this one often inspire us to more action instead of simply trying to fill us with knowledge or ideas, since passively being filled does not engage our agency and lead to real growth.

[if you still have lots of time, take this detour]: Still, before leaving ______ and drawing my message to a close, it think it is valuable to consider [mention a new topic that you can ramble on about to fill the remaining time, and make it seem connected to the assigned topic. Suggested new topics include: faith, Kolob, how the church might grow and change with the colonization of Mars, etc.]

I know it is a cliché, but I admit that I am the one who learned most about this topic because of this talk, though hopefully you are just as edified as I have been. How often does it seem that the Lord carries the message that others need to hear with or without the aid of whoever is actually speaking? Our time has truly been well spent as we have pondered ______ together this day.

[Finish with your testimony, tears optional].

Monday, May 23, 2016


The older Sister Harris requested no jumping pictures;
little does she know there will be jumping pictures.
Gilbert, AZ—Area mother Madeleine Harris is currently working under the delusion that she will have any real say in the planning of her daughter’s upcoming wedding.

“Well, I just told her she can’t get married over Christmas, since that’s already such a stressful time,” said the mother who erroneously believes that such input will, in the end, make any difference in her daughter’s decision of when to get married. Sister Harris, whose daughter Rachel is currently “engaged to be engaged,” expressed her displeasure with that ambiguous statement, clarifying to Rachel that she is “either engaged or not engaged!” Rachel listened to her mother, allowing her to believe that the complaint made any difference whatsoever, and then continued to look for a ring, find a wedding date, wait for Eric to formally propose, and generally enjoy this exciting process and time.

For his part Brother Allen Harris entertains fewer notions of his influence in his daughter’s impending nuptials, though he does mistakenly believe that the “40 minute, thoughtful and useful conversation” he had with her about goals, planning for the future, and other discussions about married life she should have with her future husband was actually useful for the young Sister Harris.

Both Brother and Sister Harris look forward with considerable anxiety to their oldest child’s wedding, and while on the surface they believe that their insights, wisdom, and needs should be important, deep down but still unbeknownst to them, they hope their daughter will begin to develop her independence and reliance on her new relationship as she plans her wedding.

When the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer contacted LDS marriage and family expert and mother of 7 married children Cheryl Brown, Doctor Brown said that, “my research indicates that sooner or later every bride gives her mother a look that says, ‘listen, you can show up at this time and this place with a checkbook or not, but this is how this marriage is going down!’” Brown said it is a conflictive, important, memorable, and touching moment.